What's a blonde pirate always looking for, even though it's right behind her?

Her booty.

Ahoy, mateys! With her grandma wedded and bedded (ew!) Tressa Jayne Turner is looking forward to the weeklong cruise that follows. Good food. Warm beaches. Romantic sunsets. A swashbuckling ranger-type, Rick Townsend, who shivers her timbers. Nothing can take the wind out of "Calamity Jayne's" sails this time.

Nothing, that is, except that this particular Love Boat has "Iceberg ahead!" written all over it. Why? It's a lo-cal "biggest loser" cruise, Tressa's bad-boy faux fiancé and his marriage-minded Aunt Mo are stowaways, and Tressa's barely got her sea legs before a dastardly murder plot bobs to the surface. It's a foul wind that's blowin' to be sure...and not from the exercise-obsessed passengers. Throw in one whale of a Bermuda love triangle, and Tressa knows just how Jack Sparrow feels when the rum is gone.

Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of V-8! Arrr!