What if a wimpy kid was born in the Stone Age?
Turning thirteen is when caveboys miraculously change from skinny, hairless, squeaky-voiced cowards (like me) to thick-browed, hair-covered, deep-grunting cavemen (like my best friend Ug).
That's when we're tested. It's called the Arrival. You're supposed to disappear into the woods and return with something big, dangerous or rare – preferably all three. Except I can't even lift a club above my shoulder. Even with my friends Ug and Saleeka trying to teach me to hunt, I don't have a chance.
If I fail the Arrival, there'll be an extra line on my family's stone tablet saying: Helix was banished to the Dark Side because he was a massive embarrassment to his family, as well as any self-respecting caveman on the mountain.
So my story might as well end here, but I'll keep telling it anyway. Charcoal meat on a stick, anyone?